EVEN MORE TRUCKS

Today.
Today, we step forward.
Today, we usher in the next era of WLD.
Today.

Today, we attend Monster Jam 2007.

IT SEEMS AS THOUGH

...some people are confused.

See, the thing is that New Year's Eve sucks. I challenge you to disprove that statement. Everything about it sucks: the hype, the stupid ball, Dick Clark, the over-planned open bar parties that cost $150 and yet are impossible to get drunk at, the terrible melancholy sex with that one ugly-but-now-somewhat-hopeful friend, the whole deal.

Well, fuck that. Hence, WLD. Smash the system, people. Smash it with finesse.

TRUCKS

So there are three tenets of WLD.

1. To celebrate the lifestyle and values of Will Long;
2. To live with finesse; and
3. Monster Trucks.

Now, I feel we've been neglecting this third (and some would say most important) facet of the WLD celebration. To that end, I have personally just come into possession of a DVD called CRASH MADNESS, which will be on display during the WLD celebration at Sheffields.

Also, I have learned that the people who name monster trucks and I would probably get along really well. Here are some actual, real names of competitive monster trucks:
Blown Thunder
The Virginia Giant
The Shocker
The Thunder Beast
The Ruff Time
and my personal favorite, The Mud Hunter.

I am currently investigating sponsorship opportunities, with any luck the Thunder Beast will make an appearance at WLD. Oh wait, I'm already going to be there. Hey-o!

THE VENUE

After much hand-wringing and deliberation, we have chosen the venue for the Third Annual Will Long Day celebration:

Sheffield's
3258 N. Sheffield
Chicago, Illinois

We are primed; we are ready. We have monster truck videos and several copies of Murder on the Dance Floor. They have Sexy Jenga and dozens of beers on tap. Hold your heads high, people, our time has come.

MORE BIRTHDAY

We're drinking beer and rockboxing while we gear up for Birthdays Round II. Last night ended at 6.30AM, after several hours in a honky-tonk, a game of Asshole played in which every player had his/her own rules, and my courageous decision to estimate the nipple size of several women.

Also, we passed out several hundred WLD cards to people of various confusion levels. We really need to pick a location soon here, kids. Any ideas?

BIRTHDAYS

Kyle and I will be celebrating our birthdays (his is today, mine is tomorrow) tonight at the Map Room starting around 10. Mr. Long will be with us, for an early taste of what WLD is all about. Come out and start the WLD festivities with us a little early, and stick around to pay a visit to Carol's, which is the finest bar in all of Chicago.

THE SONG

So as I'm certain you're all aware, Murder on the Dance Floor is the official WLD theme song. If you are still asking questions at this point, you are celebrating the wrong holiday. Come back when you're ready to live with some real finesse, buck-o.



I don't know whether this is amazing or utterly embarrasing, but I still want to show Sophie Ellis-Bextor exactly why they call me The King of the Make-Outs.

EDIT: You know, the more I watch this video (and don't get me wrong, I am TOTALLY working hard at being a lawyer right now, I'm just also, you know, watching white chicks in eyeliner on youtube at the same time) the more I am impressed with how it so gracefully subverts traditional pop-music metaphors in making its main point, i.e., that it is, in fact, murder on the dance floor. Let's look at three examples:
1. Sophie Ellis-Bextor plays the villain, and she wins. Totally unheard of. The only other example I can think of Mariah Carey's Heartbreaker video and even in that, Mariah also plays the extremely large-breasted good guy and kicks her own ass. Give me your love, indeed.
2. Proving that the movie Grease successfully held back the cultural development of the entire, uh, Down Under, by catapulting Olivia Newton-John to mega-stardom, the video takes place at a dance contest, because that's basically the entire stupid conflict in Grease. The keen observer will note that SEB is clearly the worst dancer at this event, but she wins with a skillful combination of murdering and cleavage.
3. Not only is our pop heroine a bloodthirsty, oversexualized hellhound bent on total world-dance-domination (god, I love a strong woman), she looks straight-up bored for most of the video.

I submit to you that this video is, in fact, WLD in a nutshell: classy villainous superiority, spiked punch, and the exact right amount of decollétage for the job at hand. This combination has a name, people, and that name is finesse.

FINESSE

fi'nesse
n.
1. Refinement and delicacy of performance, exucution, or artisanship
2. Skillful, subtle handling of a situation

Now I'm all about refinement. Hell, I've even been known to put on pants and a bra before I head to the local walgreens for my usual nightcap of mountain dew code red and over the counter allergy meds. But when I see that face, martini glass in hand, with a devil-may-care attitude and perfectly coiffed bedhead, I feel as if I have so much more to learn in the way of finesse.

Who am I, but a simple girl who wants an excuse to get sloshed at a shitty Lincoln Park dig and buy thong underwear online? Will Long Day will give that to me, and more. It will instill in me the values of Will Long, it will give me a new appreciation for monster truck racing, and most of all, it will teach me the life lessons needed to prevent me from drunkenly stumbling into the men's bathroom by accident.